Category: Spiritual
A Season
As I walked through the valley of death, in grieving clothes, slumbered in the tombs, with my head down with sorrow, the Lord was with me. Black as the night, the darkness hovered over me as a canopy that kept me hidden. As scripture Psalm 23:4 (NLT) says: ” Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me…”
Slowly ripping my grieving clothes to shreds, and emerging from a place into an unfamiliar territory that is my new normal. He is making things new again. As scripture Revelation 21:5 (NLT) says: “…Look, I am making everything new!…”
Eyes swollen and tired, in total shock, floating in a numbing state when my mother passed away, with my heart shattered into a thousand pieces and scattered like sand on the ocean shore, I knew my God carried me through. It was only HIS footprints that were imprinted on the sands of earth. And even though tears continue to flow down my heart-shaped face, I know my God is still with me, healing me through the inside, mending my heart back to whole and newness, and pouring His living water so I will not go thirsty because He refreshes my soul and gives me life again.
When my mother passed, parts of me died with her. Knowing that life will not be the same again. But also knowing that my God is good and faithful. He will not let me drown in sorrow. He will lift my head up high to see who He is and what He can do. I believe.
Death will not overcome. Life continues. Eternal life wins.
New Normal
Two years since you left this earthly world.
It will not or has not been the normal I once knew.
The normal that we shared when you were alive on this earth.
But living is dying everyday because that is the cycle of life.
I know now that you are truly living in the light that never goes dim, where flowers never wither.
The new normal is doing life without you now.
Making new memories, new beginnings, but never forgetting you.
Your memory still lives and always will mom.
I will never forget mom.
I will never forget .
I promise.
Healing…
After my mom passed away in the Summer of 2021, I found myself to be a total mess. I felt completely lost without her on this earth. I was in shock. I felt so numb as if I was just floating in air. I didn’t know what to do with this life without my mom. She kept me grounded with life and gave me the best advice even though, I did not always take it when I was much younger. But as I grew older, I valued her advice. I finally listened to everything she advised me of. The day she passed, was a day we did not expect. She was suppose to be an outpatient that day, but it didn’t turn out that way. I didn’t expect to see her wheeled on a stretcher and placed in the ambulance. Now, to think about it, the paramedics didn’t seem to be in a rush to the hospital. She may have passed away at the clinic, but no-one said anything to us whether she was alive or not. As I stood there in the doctor’s facility as she was taken out from the procedural room, in my heart, I felt she left… that she had left this earth already. Yet my mom appeared to be sleeping. But I knew her heart had given out. That was the feeling I got that day as I saw her. I wasn’t prepared for this even as I knew it would come some day. I wasn’t ready. I still needed her. I still wanted her to live. I still needed more time with her. The comfort that brought me was sweet and compassionate Jesus. He stayed with me in my grieving. He embraced me with His warmth of peace. He grieved with me. He understood me. I hated death because it took my mom from us. I hated life the way it was because death comes to us all. Reality really woke me up. Jesus carried me through the grief of losing my mom. He stayed up with me those sleepless nights where sleep was my enemy. He was the one who comforted me with words of peace and joy even when I wasn’t ready for it. His words brought life into my broken self. Everyday I relive the memories… good and the not so good. Everyday tears still flow down my face thinking of my beautiful mother. She had the prettiest green eyes that others admired. She was known for her good spirit. She was a strong woman. She was a woman of faith , and she loved her Jesus. She was the best mom. No words can take away the pain and grief. I found that out on the day my mom passed. No-one can be there for anything you need. But, I did find out who can. Jesus can be the only One we can depend on and trust. His words of promise are true and real. He carried me through the grieving where my mom’s passing knocked me down and beat me to the ground. It crushed me, broke me and unraveled my life as I knew it. A life that now I know will never be the same . The loss that made me into the person I am today without my mom. The only thing that didn’t change was my faith. I didn’t blame God. I just questioned him why and why now. But I know He didn’t take away my mom from us. I know He just came for her, and received her in His arms where now she is resting and truly living with no pain, no sorrow, no suffering and no crying. Thank you Jesus for who You are.
Unravel
“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139:13 NLT
Knitted together in our mother’s womb by the Creator himself, the Maker, the Weaver. Carefully knitting every fiber to make us whole. We are His masterpiece. His creation who He knitted with unconditional love. His love never fails.
When life circumstances brings us down to our knees, in despair and hopelessness, and unravels us, our Creator knits us back to newness making us whole again. We just have to believe.
When my mother passed, I became undone, unraveled, broken, separated from life. Death was not a spoken word by my mouth. It was a harsh, cruel, and hateful word to depict the passing of my mother. But it was reality.
She was a woman who loved; who cared. A gentle woman who loved Jesus to the very end, to the last day of her life on earth. And, I was there as her witness her love for Jesus. That was the day I became unraveled and in need of immediate repair, to pick up all the shattered pieces of my life. A life that would not ever be the same again, not ever be normal. It was so long to my normal, what I knew of it. Goodbye to what was.
To those who are grieving a loss, you are not alone. God walks with us through the grief, through the season, through the valley, through the desert, through the wilderness and through the dry places. He will reveal His love, comfort, peace, and hope. Sometimes life doesn’t make sense, and it’s ok. Sometimes we despise celebrations, and it’s ok. Because we grieve and loved. Jesus knows the grief, the sorrow and the loneliness. He understands completely. Jesus is the only One who can heal and bring us back to life.
Trust
Gentle whispers Trust and faith words that are whispered in the stillness. Be still let Him move mountains open the sea to lead her on dry land and unknown territory. As the Prophet Moses, the Lord is leading her to a promise land. Have faith the Lord will walk with her the Lord will carry her the Lord will meet her where she is at He is the director of her story He will make the path straight Fear doubt and uncertainty are her enemies that keep her from moving Be still says the Lord Let Him Let go keep moving keep going in what is waiting for her Jesus is life over and over again let those words speak to the heart saturate in it. Stir up trust. Stir up faith. Stir up hope.
Only a Season
Broken dreams. Broken heart. Broken spirit. Broken body. I wait for the Lord or maybe He is waiting for me. This I know... I just need to grieve the loss of my mom. I just need to feel the loss. I just need to heal. Time does not heal for it's the Lord that does the healing. The Lord knows what I need. The Lord knows what He is doing with my life. For His thoughts and ways are nothing like the human flesh. He is the perfect God and the true source of life. So, as He holds my heart in His gentle hands and carries me slowly and compassionately through this season of loss... I wait. I trust. I am only traveling through a journey in the wilderness. Momentarily traveling. Because... at the other side of this season of loss and grief- I will find what He has prepared for me. For the Lord says... "For I know the plans I have for good and not for disaster to give a future and a hope..." So... I will continue in search for Him wholeheartedly. In search for His way, In search for His heart, and trust His plan because there is where I will find Him and I will be found by Him. Jesus is Life.
Another Day Without You…
I imagine you entering the Kingdom of God with the things you loved the most on this earth. Butterflies, birds, plants, and Jesus were what you loved the most. Butterflies... the most beautiful, vivid colors of butterflies surrounded you-in hopes that they welcome me home too. The sounds of birds, and the most beautiful and fragrant flowers that you have ever seen wrapped your sense of smell. Then there is the light-the light of Jesus that you walked into with the familiar faces from the past. Now, you are truly living life mom, eternal life you have, and celebrating life with no pain and no sorrow. Mom, you are truly free. So this is another day without you mom. Missing you mom... always. Until we meet again.
A Season of Loss
No pain.
No sorrow.
No crying.
A land of freedom.
A land of the living that is where my mother resides.
The promise land is where she is at.
A sudden death with a broken heart.
The Lord held her heart as she took her last breath.
A moment of disbelief.
Wondering how could this have happened.
Not to my mother.
I wept and wept.
I needed more time with her.
I had more to share with her.
I was left with a broken heart, shattered to granules.
What seem to be impossible to repair, to mend.
A witness to my mother’s lifeless body.
No breath.
No pulse.
She may have still been alive as she was pulled on a stretcher.
Those last minutes before her body was carried away from us,
she had forever left this earth to a new land.
Looking at her green eyes for the last time,
I knew that was the last time I would.
I held her hand, cold and without movement.
She didn’t respond.
She didn’t hold my hand in return.
Didn’t want to accept that she was no longer going to be with us.
Oh, I miss her so much.
Life just isn’t the same anymore.
Mom
The day my mom died,
a part of me died with her.
Life just doesn’t feel the same without her.
I am lost.
My body is weary to almost being lifeless.
My spirit is crushed.
And I am broken into pieces like the grains of sand scattered on shore.
Sorrow is my constant companion,
reminding me of my mom who is not by my side anymore.
Even though the memories of my mom will always remain…
missing her touch, her voice and her presence is what I miss the most.
Weeping is my daily routine.
It has no end for it does not recognize time.
For now, time is all I have until we reunite once again.
The sun doesn’t rise
and the nights are long.
I didn’t know death until I lost my mom.
Death is a sting that slowly shuts the body down.
But this I know, that with the Lord, we have victory and life-
eternal life with Him.
The day she left this earth was the day a part of me died too.
In my thoughts, I hear her saying… keep living.
Oh, I wish it was that easy right now.
But I know I should listen to her still and gentle voice.
It brings me great comfort that she is in the light of Jesus.
I am confident of that.
In His presence, my mom is walking in the garden of love.
Vivid colors of flowers.
Aroma of floral fragrances.
Fluttering butterflies.
Birds chirping.
It brings a smile of joy to my daily face of sadness.
She loved the Lord.
She trusted the Lord.
She had faith in the Lord.
With what I know, she is rejoicing in all His glory.
New body, new life, eternal life, new home, reunited with loved ones,
and in the presence of angels armies;
and in the presence of Jesus Himself.
My mom is perfect and happy.
She is perfectly healed and complete,
more beautiful and truly alive.
Breathing fresh air.
No pain.
No sorrow.
No fear.
She is embraced in the arms of Jesus.
Missing my mom.