Healing…

After my mom passed away in the Summer of 2021, I found myself to be  a total mess. I felt completely lost without her on this earth. I was in shock. I felt so numb as if I was just floating in air. I didn’t know what to do with this life without my mom. She kept me grounded with life and gave me the best advice even though, I did not always take it when I was much younger. But as I grew older, I valued her advice.  I finally listened to everything she advised me of. The day she passed, was a day we did not expect. She was suppose to be an outpatient that day, but it didn’t turn out that way. I didn’t expect to see her wheeled on a stretcher and placed in the ambulance. Now, to think about it, the paramedics didn’t seem to be in a rush to the hospital. She may have passed away at the clinic, but no-one said anything to us whether she was alive or not. As I stood there in the doctor’s facility as she was taken out from the procedural room, in my heart, I felt she left… that she had left this earth already. Yet my mom appeared to be sleeping. But I knew her heart had given out. That was the feeling I got that day as I saw her. I wasn’t prepared for this even as I knew it would come some day.  I wasn’t ready.  I still needed her. I still wanted her to live. I still needed more time with her. The comfort that brought me was sweet and compassionate Jesus. He stayed with me in my grieving. He embraced me with His warmth of peace. He grieved with me. He understood me. I hated death because it took my mom from us. I hated life the way it was because death comes to us all.  Reality really woke me up. Jesus carried me through the grief of losing my mom. He stayed up with me those sleepless nights where sleep was my enemy. He was the one who comforted me with words of peace and joy even when I wasn’t ready for it.  His words brought life into my broken self. Everyday I relive the memories… good and the not so good. Everyday tears still flow down my face thinking of my beautiful mother. She had the prettiest green eyes that others admired. She was known for her good spirit. She was a strong woman. She was a woman of faith , and she loved her Jesus. She was the best mom. No words can take away the pain and grief. I found that out on the day my mom passed. No-one can be there for anything you need. But, I did find out who can. Jesus can be the only One we can depend on and trust. His words of promise are true and real. He carried me  through the grieving where my mom’s passing knocked me down and beat me to the ground. It crushed me, broke me and unraveled my life as I knew it. A life that now I know will never be the same . The loss that made me into the person I am today without my mom. The only thing that didn’t change was my faith. I didn’t blame God. I just questioned him why and why now. But I know He didn’t take away my mom from us. I know He just came for her, and received her in His arms where now she is resting and truly living with no pain, no sorrow, no suffering and no crying. Thank you Jesus for who You are.